Breath. Inhale, exhale.
When I met my husband I remember thinking, "Oh he has two sons! How cute! I love little boys."
Backtrack a little farther... I distinctly remember telling my older brother that I would never, ever have kids. That whole 'giving birth' business sounded disturbing and messy. And I wasn't about to be strapped down and have my independance snatched from me. (Oh, how we change!)
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, it's too true. I've noticed that the things that would irritate me to NO END actually melt my heart a little bit. Maybe because I don't have to do them 365 days a year. Honest to God, I had every intention of sitting down and writing this post all about the number of lego pieces I've picked up in the last 24 hours (those freaking things are ubiquitous), the amount of urine I cleaned from around the toilet last night (and by that I mean the walls, floors, sides of toilet, lightswitch, sink... you get my drift), the sheer quantitiy of laundry I have done every single day (oh my dear heavens, the laundry!!), and...
Wait. There I go again.
In the summer time, every day is a sweet reminder of the two little faces that I only see about 3 months out of the year. Every little lego that I will find for the next 6 months will be a bittersweet token of love from a boy who goes to school halfway across America.
Part time parenting is in some ways harder than full time (coming from a lady who has the privilege to do both simultaneously!). When I married my husband I knew that having his two sons in our lives would be hard. It would be hard to watch the man I love mourn their absence. I knew it would be hard for him... but it never occurred to me that it would be hard for me too. That I would love those little freckled faces like they were my own kids. That having them wake up and say to me "happy birthday!" (with no reminders whatsoever) could be the best present ever.
I was looking back on photo books the other day and I realized that I have known L for half of his life. I will be able to say the same thing for H soon. It's impossible to know what it feels like to be a parent without actually having a child. But it's even harder to imagine what it will feel like to be a step parent. Theres a lot of stigma about step parents... which makes it even harder. It's almost as though society tells you to look on step children with a sort of disdain. I thank God today that I was lucky enough to have a step parent of my own to show me the ropes. He showed me how to treat a child like your own, even when they aren't. And even when it's hard.
Never in all of my OCD years, or in my wildest clean freak moment, would I have believed that cleaning pee off a light switch would make me smile. When you know that pee came from one of two little guys who stole part of your heart, it makes it all worth it. There's just no words to describe the feeling of a bear hug from an 8 year old boy.
This much I know: it trumps the frustration of stepping on a million lego pieces.
