I am Elsa.

I watched "Frozen" with Kait this morning. 

OhMyGosh. 

I AM ELSA.

No, I am not singlehandedly responsible for the polar vortex (so don't come over with pitchforks, please). 

I know exactly what she feels like though. To have something inside you that people don't see right away.. Something that you feel controls your life... Something that has ruined your relationships.... Made you feel like the only option is to shut everyone out, keep it inside, and lock yourself away.

Sigh.

I hear ya, sweet Elsa.

Only you figured it out... You discovered that the secret is NOT to shut everyone out but to embrace the very thing that drives you to solitude and shame. Not to let it overtake you and consume you... But to simply let it be what it is. 

I don't think I'm there yet. 

I'm not hiding in a tall tower on the north mountain protected by a monster created by my own turmoil.... Anymore. But I'm not exactly skating on the beautiful ice that I created. 

Can you relate?

My prayer today is to be more thankful for the ice inside of me and that someday I could learn to embrace it instead of fighting it. 

Best things in life.

This morning I woke up early, took a shower, and pushed the "Begin Brew" button on our white, stained coffee maker... smiling as I heard the first 'Darth Vadar' noises indicating that my steaming dark roast was moments from my lips. I sipped a cup (or two) out of my pink travel mug and listened to the quiet creaky noises of the house shifting in the wind until 6:40am. I started the car, packed our bags, and walked upstairs to open the door of my little girls room. I entered quietly, but not too quietly, opening her dresser drawers and making just enough noise to begin to rustle that curly mass of hair into an upright motion. "Where'd bottle go?" she asks me. At just over 2 years old, lots of people have told me that she shouldn't have a bottle anymore. I smile as I think back on the years I spent in high school, sleeping with my faded stuffed Eeyore. There are worse things in life.

This morning at work a package of cookies and a Dr Seuss farewell card brought tears to my eyes. I haven't finished reading it yet. Maybe tomorrow night I'll open it up and read the carefully penned words of one of the sweetest women I know. I busied myself caring for the needs of the day; filing x-rays, cleaning out my desk, finding all of my tupperware left in the break room. Why do I have so much tupperware left here? I wrote "help yourself" on my leftover Keurig dark roast pods with a little picture of a heart, "from Dr J". There come those tears again. I'll miss these girls. The giggles about so-and-so's adorable accent, or thick curly hair. The rants and raves about ill-tempered, rude, or just plain stinky patients. The handyman specials--getting out the tool box while they are in scrubs, cleaning out the x-ray processor chemicals in my dress shirt, or just jumping up on top of chairs to knock two years of dust off an old cabinet. It's been a great year--full of laughter, learning, and gaining experience. There are much worse things in life.

I drove out of the parking lot tonight and just barely contained my shrieks of delight. Being able to attend animal chiropractic school has been a dream of mine since I knew such a thing existed. It's the perfect blend of veterinary science and alternative medicine--both passions of mine since pretty much forever. I remember picking grass and leaves and making "medicine" with my best friend after school in the back yard of our home on Sunnyside Terrace. We'd spend hours creating masterpieces of dirt, mud and twigs, making medicine from leaves, and chasing the tracks of a bunny until we had to make up a story of his mysterious disappearance. I'll never forget the time my mother asked me about the strange odor in my bedroom, and finally discovered the dead sparrow I'd placed in a shoebox full of cotton balls under my bed. "He shouldn't have to lay out there in the cold," I said. I never dreamed that today I'd be married with a daughter of my own; about to purchase our own home, and mid-way through a class that will forever change my views on health, motion, life, all things 4-legged, and this crazy thing called chiropractic. There are worse things in life.

I don't really have a great game plan. I have some ideas; but ideas can change. I don't know exactly where I'll be in a year, a season, or even a month. God willing, the best I can hope for is to follow His lead and pay close enough attention to listen to where that road goes. I do know that sleeping in the next room is a little girl who needs much much more time with her mommy than she's been given. And 80 miles away, sleeping on a couch, is a man who longs to spend his days beside his best friend, not just pass each other in opposite shifts. And sitting in my very own chair is a young woman who still remembers why she signed all of those student loan papers and stayed up all of those long nights cramming for tests and called her mother crying when she failed a graduate level class. Today that young woman was reminded once more that the right way isn't always the easy way, the best thing to do is often the most difficult, and that the road ahead isn't always free of boulders and foggy days. Sometimes all it takes is a hug and a "housewarming/farewell gift" from a woman who has been touched by the gift of chiropractic--the gift of my very own hands--to bring tears to my eyes and to remind me why I keep learning, keep praying, and keep searching for direction my own journey takes. Because some days saying goodbye to friends, turning over a new page, starting a new job, and entering a time of waiting is tough to swallow. But every day I thank God, because there are so many, and so much worse things in life.

Crazy about him

He wonders if I'm crazy about him.

The man who dared to challenge my unrealistic optimism, stubborn nature, faltering faith, and disbelief in true love.

And he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

The man who never challenges my wild ideas and crazy dreams, goals, and belief that there's a better way.

And he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

He's the one I never want to be apart from, and can never wait to get back home to. The one I wanted as a young college girl and the one I'll want while sitting in my nursing home.

And he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

He's the one who I vow not to cut my hair for, and the one who grows his beard for me. He's the only one I'll wear makeup for, and the only one I've ever believed when he tells me I'm beautiful.

And he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

He's the only one I ever want to tuck our daughter in bed,

To hold her hand,

To brush her messy pigtails,

To walk her down the aisle.

And he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

He the only one I've ever opened my whole heart to.

The one who knows my secrets, my skeletons, and the dark places in my mind. 

I can't believe he wonders if I'm crazy about him.

My husband tells me I'm dramatic...

He's right.

If you read my last post and thought that I was one step away from pulling the plug... Well... Maybe I made it appear that way. And I'm sorry. Because its not at all.

Pastor says today "God doesn't give up on us, we give up on him." Ugh. So true. I'm sure God knows and has a plan for my life, and I know he hasn't given up on me. I just feel like it. And then I feel like I need to take matters info my own hands because clearly I'M the only one who can make it happen. 

I want to be obedient... It's just that I don't really aspire to be a patient person. Never have. If I had asked for patience, this would be fun. But I didn't. And it's not. Regarding my last weeks post about what I am supposed to be doing with my life; I don't care what the answer is, I just want it 3 months ago. {Apparently God is not aware of my time frame here.}

I am blessed BEYOND measure. Every morning I get to wake up to a little voice calling "mommaaaaa"... And she is talking to me!! And every night (or most of them anyways) I get to look into the eyes of a man who has exceeded my wildest expectations of what a husband could be, and kiss him goodnight. I have two jobs I love and am so excited for the opportunity to learn a new skill these next few months!

The pastor is saying that we are doing the right thing if we are being obedient, even if we don't "feel like" being obedient. Even if we are cranky about it.

Well I'm here to say that I'm a little cranky about it. And maybe that comes across as overly dramatic. Probably. But I'm trying. And waiting. And in the meantime life is pretty darn amazing.

{Hear that, God? I'm waiting. So my lesson in patience is working. That means we can be done now, right?}

Longing to be whale vomit

No one likes to surrender. Especially me. I'm about as stubborn as they come (or, as my patient mother always says, "strong willed").  I'd very much like to power my way through life head on, full speed, no holds barred, working harder and faster and smarter than anyone else. And it would be for a good cause, of course. I'd love to revolutionize the health care system in the United States or develop a cure for cancer or paralysis. Why not? I've got the drive.

We fall down, we lay our crowns. The best thing I can ever do in this life, the biggest gift, the greatest accomplishment, the most fulfilling career or greatest invention--whatever it is that I do--all these crowns, will one day be laid at the feet of Jesus. All they will ever be worth is laying at the feet of my savior.

Gulp. Swallow.

So really, anything I do, even if I change the world, even if I one-up Mother Theresa, it's just gonna be fancy footwear someday? 

"All our good deeds are as filthy rags". Oh yeah, there's that too. 

Sigh.

Our pastor said today there are 4 steps to "Getting real with God".

1. Remember we deserve death. 

2. Stop blaming. Take responsibility.

3. Give up all other priorities and desires.

4. Give up our freedom and commit to a new owner.

God would it kill you to give me a little direction? What else do you want? What am I missing? I know I deserve death--probably much worse. I know the mess I'm in is my fault. Do I ever. I've for n up so much... And willing to give up more. Whatever you want God.

I'm 27, married with 2 stepsons and a daughter, I live in my moms house, I currently work at least 50 hours a week with another 12+ hours of drive time every week. I've got a class coming up that I don't know how to pay for, a business that is running me to the ground, and a decent paying job that will be ending in a few weeks. I can't seem to find a house or a job and for the life of me I can't seem to understand my husband. My greatest joy is about 2 feet tall and full of curly hair... But I spend about 1/100th of the amount of time with her that I'd like.

All I wanted was to make a difference. To help people. To be able to show them a drug-free way to live, and be healthy. Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a spider web... Too tangled to ever get out. How on earth did I get here?

I don't think my life could be much more up-in-the-air or scary right now... I would love a little help. Just a little tiny shove in the right direction. So many big decisions... So much unsettled, so much unrest. 

I am willing to surrender. I don't know what else to surrender to you God: I've given you my marriage, my career, my health, my earthly possessions, my hearts desires. What am I missing, God?

I'm trying so hard to just trust you in this silence. But it's so hard.... I don't know what else you want.

I want to be obedient God. BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?

I'm in the belly of the whale God... Little help here.