Catching up on sleep

In the last 4 years, I have had so many different thoughts of what I would do after graduation. Start a new business, expand my current business, get a job somewhere else, begin 47,000 different projects, start doing continuing education...

How many of them have I done so far?

ZERO.
I have slept. A lot. And drank too much coffee (but it's decaff, so it's okay, right?). And read about 680 little books to my daughter. And played. And cuddled. And hardly given any notice to the dirt piled on the floor or the laundry that just doesn't get done unless my mother comes over.

But you know what? I'm totally cool with this.

No, I won't be blogging any impressive pictures of what fun things I've cleaned or organized lately. In fact, it may be quite a while before I blog any pictures of the inside of our house. But I don't really care.

I'm still moving forward... it just feels like instead of being on a freight train I've stepped off and begun walking. I guess I may not get to where I am going quite as fast... but who said that is important?  I'm beginning to realize that I don't really have anyone to impress. The people who matter most and whose opinion I care most about aren't concerned with whether or not I ever impress them.

That being said, it is a tough pill to swallow when you realize that the person you've wanted to impress the most your whole life will NEVER be impressed. This is something that became painfully obvious to me a few years ago. But it's a huge relief when you finally move on and realize that it just doesn't matter.  It's been a bit of a journey these last few years, coming to this realization. It's one thing to know that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for some people. It's another thing entirely to learn to be okay with that, and then to rise above it.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the main reason I went to chiropractic school. So much of my life's journey in the last 4 years has been soul searching and learning about myself... in addition to learning everything I needed to know to graduate. I just don't think that most of this "soul searching" could have happened any other way. Maybe all my student loan debt will pay for itself in increased maturity and wisdom, if not financial gain from a lucrative career.

Which of course brings me back to the beginning and again begs the question, "What really was the point of all this, and where will it lead? Where to next?"

For right now, I guess my next step is to go upstairs and fall asleep. After that, who knows?
One step at a time, right?

Now what...?

Some days I feel like I went to bed as a 7 year old and woke up married with 3 kids, another one on the way, and lines on my face that I am far, far too young to have.

How does this happen...?

Where did my childhood go?

I'm graduating next week and everyone keeps smiling and asking me how excited I am.

How excited am I? 

Well.. it feels like my life is being turned upside down. So I guess I'm not really that excited. Scared, if anything.

I still have to take a second look when I see pictures of myself. What happened to the preschooler who made dandelion necklaces for her mother? What happened to the girl who stopped to pet every puppy on her way home from grade school? What happened to the pre-teen who ran through the woods with a "riding crop" made from a tall reed, pretending to exercise her favorite Arabian horses? What happened to the shy teenager who worked 3 jobs and went to college before finishing high school? What happened to the girl who wanted to join the navy, see the world, and get a dual-doctorate?

I know its been a journey, but sometimes it feels like all those things just faded overnight.

Read this: I am NOT unhappy with my life, no no. Far from it. 

It's just that sometimes I don't recognize the woman in the mirror. A mother and stepmother? A wife? And now... gasp.... a doctor?? How did this happen? And when?

I was not, and am not, prepared.

This graduating business should not come as a surprise. I've been working toward it for, well, my whole life. But instead of stepping gradually into a pool it feels as if I'm being thrust off the plank. Into an ocean that I've never been in, and is oh-so-unfamiliar.

Are there sharks?
Possibly.

Will I swim? Will I drown?
I don't have a clue.

I feel like God has gone through extraordinary lengths to perform a fear-ectomy on my soul, but it just won't stick. Maybe my "fear" is really only one part 'fear' and five parts stubbornness. I cling to the past and to the would-be, should-be, aren't-yet thoughts that fill my mind daily.
If I could just let go... and stop being afraid.

Sometimes letting go feels like pouring sand back into an hourglass.
Trying to return to a time that is long past.
What is this restless, unsettled feeling? And how can I be so content, yet on edge?