Now what...?

Some days I feel like I went to bed as a 7 year old and woke up married with 3 kids, another one on the way, and lines on my face that I am far, far too young to have.

How does this happen...?

Where did my childhood go?

I'm graduating next week and everyone keeps smiling and asking me how excited I am.

How excited am I? 

Well.. it feels like my life is being turned upside down. So I guess I'm not really that excited. Scared, if anything.

I still have to take a second look when I see pictures of myself. What happened to the preschooler who made dandelion necklaces for her mother? What happened to the girl who stopped to pet every puppy on her way home from grade school? What happened to the pre-teen who ran through the woods with a "riding crop" made from a tall reed, pretending to exercise her favorite Arabian horses? What happened to the shy teenager who worked 3 jobs and went to college before finishing high school? What happened to the girl who wanted to join the navy, see the world, and get a dual-doctorate?

I know its been a journey, but sometimes it feels like all those things just faded overnight.

Read this: I am NOT unhappy with my life, no no. Far from it. 

It's just that sometimes I don't recognize the woman in the mirror. A mother and stepmother? A wife? And now... gasp.... a doctor?? How did this happen? And when?

I was not, and am not, prepared.

This graduating business should not come as a surprise. I've been working toward it for, well, my whole life. But instead of stepping gradually into a pool it feels as if I'm being thrust off the plank. Into an ocean that I've never been in, and is oh-so-unfamiliar.

Are there sharks?
Possibly.

Will I swim? Will I drown?
I don't have a clue.

I feel like God has gone through extraordinary lengths to perform a fear-ectomy on my soul, but it just won't stick. Maybe my "fear" is really only one part 'fear' and five parts stubbornness. I cling to the past and to the would-be, should-be, aren't-yet thoughts that fill my mind daily.
If I could just let go... and stop being afraid.

Sometimes letting go feels like pouring sand back into an hourglass.
Trying to return to a time that is long past.
What is this restless, unsettled feeling? And how can I be so content, yet on edge?