No, no, that isn't a bad thing... I just really haven't in quite a while.
Well, I haven't really prayed. You know, the honest, heartfelt kind that just flows out of your mouth before you even know what you are doing.
Baby had a really rough night last night and as I held her and rocked her I just found myself pleading with God to help me and help her. I didn't have to force it or fake it or preface it with "You probably aren't listening, but..." And as I realized what I was doing, it felt good. And it felt okay. Not contrived, not full of bitterness or resentment.
It's been a while since I've prayed like that. The last few years have held some pretty significant ups and downs for me, and I had just gotten to the point where I was too emotionally raw... I didn't want to put forth the effort it was taking for me to keep up with Jesus. And I was still so very mad at Him. So I just stopped. And then I let bitterness creep back in...
But somewhere along the way I realized that I want to be a good wife, and a good mom, and a good friend. I want to be a good doctor, and a good business woman, and a good person. I don't want to be bitter and angry and full of negativity. But I wasn't quite sure how to get there. And anger isn't like a faucet... you can't just turn it off. It's more like a rushing river. You have to feel it and let it be what it is and learn to navigate it before there can be any hope of calm.
So I did. I let myself be angry.
Once that river calmed a bit I found myself floating and drifting somewhat aimlessly. I felt like I needed a shift in gears, a new perspective, and maybe even a new way of doing things. I was starting to cross that river but not sure what the other side might look like.
In the spirit of keeping myself motivated, I changed a few things around on my phone (yes I said phone, that little electronic part of my hand with its own touch screen). My life has changed so much the last few years and I knew what had worked for me in the past probably won't anymore. No longer can I simply set my Bible by the coffee pot and read in the mornings with breakfast. There's more mouths to feed and sticky little fingers that captivate my attention (and my heart) and fill up my mornings.
So; I hid my facebook app so it isn't always the first thing I click on. I got an app for the Bible, and one for daily prayers that I am falling in love with. I started doing a daily devotional with little "challenges" that I will have to write more about later. It felt pretty fake when I first started, but I know that the longer I do these things and the more routine they become, the easier and more heartfelt they will become. I hate the term "fake it till you make it", but it turns out that neurology and common sense argue for it's validity. If you do something consistently and for a period of time, even if it's hard and awkward and clumsy at first, it soon becomes routine and easy as your brain becomes 'reprogrammed'.
I realized last night that I'm starting to cross over from the sheer "fake it" to the triumphant "make it". And it felt really good.
The "Bible app" icon that I was talking about. Cute, isn't it?
Now, go find it for your own iPhone!
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