It sucks.

Incoming TMI warning.

Okay, you've been warned.

When my oldest sister found out we lost the baby, all she could say to me "That sucks. That just sucks. It sucks so much!" and as I watched her rock her 2 month old son her eyes filled with tears. I honestly don't think there could have been any more appropriate words.

I decided to name my tiny little baby "Charlie". That way, if it was a boy it could be Charles, and if it was a girl it could be Charlotte. I really like that name, and I have a feeling the hubs wouldn't have approved.
So there it is: Charlie Huss. 5-16-13.  (Sorry, Caleb, I should have probably asked you).

I hope that isn't too morbid for anyone reading this. I feel like this loss is leading me down a path I never thought I would take. I am crying openly with relative strangers (if you know me you know how weird this is). I am taking time to read the cheesy little "Miscarriage" book that the hospital gave me; and ignoring the piles of dirty laundry. I am spending time with my daughter more than ever before... and not complaining so much when she gets clingy. I am letting myself feel and hurt and cry and keep breathing and knowing that I will survive.

Maybe it's silly to name a 9 week old fetus. But I had big hopes for Charlie. I picked out a crib already, and decided where to put it in our two and a half bedroom house. I had already budgeted in his diapers, an extra car seat, and a mini van. November 12th will be a sad day in this house. Maybe I will bake a birthday cake... maybe I will try to completely avoid it. I'm really not sure just yet.

My scientific and completely allergic-to-emotion mind has (for once) been a help, not a hindrance, to my processing. I was able to walk through the process of 'giving birth' at home, in relative comfort and privacy, and when faced with the reality that I was staring directly at a tiny a little life, I was able to not completely lose my mind. I even took a picture... and yes, I've looked at it often. I am able to rationally look at the statistics that say 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I distinctly remember sitting in embryology class and wondering "How does any of this ever happen the RIGHT way??" It is so complex... so intricate... so marvelous. And oh so fragile. And for the first time in my life I can be okay with this. I can let myself be sad and cry and beat my pillow and know that it isn't necessarily going to happen again. There isn't anything wrong with me. I didn't do anything wrong. For whatever reason, it is a part of life. It sucks. But sometimes life isn't easy, or perfect. And maybe, just maybe, that is because if it was easy or perfect I would be even more ungrateful and selfish than I am now. How many times have I thrown away a perfectly good opportunity to love up on my daughter? Now I will think twice on that... knowing that not every daughter gets to be loved up on.

One of the most painful things I have experienced (physically and emotionally) may be the tipping point on my scales. Maybe it took a really big loss to make me appreciate all I have been given. I spend so much time wallowing in self pity... and I never truly realize how blessed I am. I still remember shortly after my first surgery, when I realized that I may never be able to have children. The emptiness and sadness that filled me was indescribable. And to think, I have been able to get pregnant not once, but twice?? And I have one healthy, vibrant daughter to boot!! How incredible. And how much I take it for granted.

That being said... please know that I am not beating myself up or guilting myself to death over this. Quite the contrare. I am sick of guilt trips, especially the ones I give myself. For once, I am letting this be what it is, and letting myself be as sad as I want to be, and then picking back up and moving on. I've heard a lot of people say that they have had a miscarriage, and even been truly sorry for them. I couldn't have imagined what it would be like to lose someone that you never really had. Now I know. And I'm sure it's different for everyone; and I'm sure that there are more painful experiences out there. But, as my sister so eloquently put it when she heard the news, "It sucks. It just sucks!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like this is quite possibly the most random and poorly written post ever. But I'm not going to edit it. I may come back someday to re-read this, and I don't want to lose it.