It’s an uphill climb, it’s a constant fight
And it wears you down
Feeling like you’re alone, like you don’t belong
Like you won’t be loved if you don’t measure up
And you wear your scars
Like they’re who you are"
I'm wearing my scars today. Dark purple, jagged, and raw; like they're who I am.
Today was not my best day.
By nature, I'm a peace-keeper. A mender. A helper. (Hence why I became a doctor, I guess). Today though, a little peice of my world fell in around me--and I watched it collapse, poured the kerosene, then threw a match at the whole thing.
The hardest thing in my life thus far had been being a good mom--and even harder still is attempting to be a good stepmom. It's the kind of job I wouldn't wish on anyone. My exact words today were that "I would rather take Part 4 Boards every week than have to be in this situation."
So when the most difficult task laid before you is met by disapproving and snide remarks, combined with persistent feelings of inadequacy and a general sensation of constant drowning, over my head... Well... It's an uphill climb, it's a constant fight.
Sometimes I wonder; is there a person alive who would call themselves a good, successful parent--aside from those who have not yet had children? Everyone seems to have regrets and woulda-coulda-shoulda's. There's no such thing as good enough.
I feel like I've done things in my life some people wouldn't dream of... Taken college courses and passed tests and gone places and overcome challenges... But all of it pales in comparison to the difficulty that lies in becoming a patient, loving, effective and efficient parent. And that pales in comparison to being a half-way decent step parent.
Humans were designed to be monogamous--that much I know. There is no way that God designed or intended any of the drama or heartache that comes from trying to parent someone else's child.
As I said goodbye to those two little freckled faces for another 6 months today I couldn't help but think of my own step parent. He wasn't perfect, no one is. But I am exponentially more appreciative and thankful for all he did. I can't imagine what he went through--especially those first few years. And he managed to encourage, support, and love me despite having another step child and four of his own. On the scorecard of life I'd check that one off in the "success" column.
Every time I see the boys I feel as though my imaginary hourglass has been turned upside down. And every time I say goodbye I wonder how many grains of sand I've thrown to the wind and wasted. It's such a small chance I have to impact those lives, and there's always so much I wish I had done differently. And today it was reinforced to me that I'm certainly not doing a good enough job.
Can I live up to the examples that have been set around me, or at the very least can I do what I need to do without going completely insane?
Today I don't know the answer. And I chose to give in and focus on my other OCD tendencies instead... Because they are easier.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
It sure is a complex puzzle we call our lives.
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