It's time to let go.

I just got the opportunity to snuggle my baby for a few minutes. She woke up and needed to eat before falling back asleep. Sometimes this bothers me at 2am, but not today. I had been sleeping for quite a while already, and it was a good excuse for some much needed journaling and reflection. Plus, she was actually pretty snuggly for once. :)

I found out yesterday that my little shoulder "issue" is actually significantly worse than I imagined, and that my options for repair are fairly limited*. I've been working with horses almost my entire life and I love it, and have always hoped to continue--at least on some level. Not to mention I've invested hundreds of thousands of dollars and almost 10 years of my life into schooling for a career that demands the use of arms and shoulders. Imagine my disappointment upon discovering that the pain and instability issues I am having now are not easily fixed and will likely get worse. I don't think the reality of this situation quite sunk in right away... or at least I tried to pretend it didn't.

I was almost physically ill today when I woke up, and very crabby. I snapped at baby this morning, which is completely uncalled for. When I got home from work I went straight to sleep after putting her to bed (by 7:30)... Caleb must have known I wasn't doing so hot today; he had friends over tonight and not only did he cook and clean up after like 9 people but he picked up groceries and diapers for me today (and I hadn't even realize we needed any. Sheesh. I'm really quite certain I have the best husband on the planet earth).

As I sit here wide awake now at 3am I've been reflecting a little and realizing how much bitterness I've been carrying. I think that is actually what was starting to make me sick. For the past year or two I've been skipping church way more often than I go. My prayer life had been almost non-existent and I just didn't care. I've been mad at God at a few different times in my life... But after struggling so much with health issues and emotional crap the first two years of chiropractic school, and then meeting Caleb and hearing about all of the horrible things he had gone through... I was so so angry at God. Like seething, red hot angry. The kind I don't know if I'd ever even felt before. I wanted nothing to do with a God that would allow so much hurt. I stopped journaling for a while. Kind of stopped caring in general. I'd bristly anytime anyone mentioned how loving our God was. "If they only knew..." was the only thing I could think of. I'd see patients in clinic on a regular basis who have almost literally been through hell, and I'd think to myself, "How is it possible that this life here is created by a loving God?"  The woman who wanted to be a ballerina, but her stepfather broke both of her ankles and then tied her to a bed post for weeks, at age 10. The man who dedicated his life to becoming a dentist, only to discover that he had absolutely debilitating neck pain every time he bent over to work on a patient's mouth. I like to think I am a fairly positive person... but the last few years have been emotionally overwhelming. I have felt like a raw nerve 98% of the time. Some days I just don't think I can bear to hear one more persons story, and all the pain they've experienced. If it hadn't been for Caleb and the support of my mom and family, I really honestly don't think I would have made it through school.

I know I'm speaking in past tense, as if this is all resolved and I am madly in love with God again. It's not, though... I'm still so angry. And overwhelmingly sad. I have to bite my lip to keep from tearing up as I write this. I just cannot understand. How could a loving God allow these things? How can there be so much insurmountable pain on this earth... when he doesn't seem to even notice. I've heard all the cliche answers, and I hate all of them. None actually make sense to me.
"God doesn't cause pain or suffering... that is all from the devil." (Bull honky. Either he is all powerful or he isn't).
"God sees all your pain" (How is that helpful...? I see squirrels get run over. Doesn't mean I am launching a "Save the Squirrels' campaign.)

It probably seems silly... but it was really quite a revelation for me to be able to put a finger on the fact that I am this angry at God. I can't say I didn't realize it until today... it's just hard for me to put things into words sometimes. I just finally stated putting it together; after the news about my shoulder yesterday, and then thinking about all that's happened lately.

It hit me: I have been holding on to so much bitterness... for so long. Unless I want to continue living like this, I have got to find a way to start letting it go.
                                             But I do not know yet what that will look like.

I figure that letting go of bitterness, like anything else, is only going to come one little baby step at a time. And thankfully I have a little pint-sized daily reminder of what baby steps look like right now... Not to mention the most amazingly supportive husband (and family) a girl could ask for.

Well... at least when they aren't otherwise occupied with mouths full of watermelon. ;)





*For those of you interested in the medical speak:
A long time ago I was diagnosed with bilateral shoulder instability. They've always been a little off, but lately my left shoulder has gotten much worse. So they did an MRI. It showed evidence of multiple posterior dislocations, posterior labral and capsular tearing, some deformities of both the humeral head and glenoid fossa, and that my humeral head is structurally about 2 cm out of place at rest. The options are limited, as apparently any attempts to "fix" the instability issues are not likely to be successful. Major reconstruction surgery might be an option (bone grafting from the ilium to stabilize the joint) but also with uncertain success rates. I have a CT scan scheduled this week to better view the arthritis/bony changes within the shoulder.
This on top of a T10 compression fracture that causes scoliosis and moderate Scheurmann's disease of the thoracic spine. Sigh.